November 9, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Piece of Halloween Candy:

(based on actual events)

The Rheumatoids on Planet Rheuma sent me a care package. They’re always so nice. There’s a special comb for my feathers, bees wax to polish my third leg with, a file for my teeth, a fuzzy warm blanket, a bottle of cave water, and a big bag of chocolate chip cookies. I’ll have to remember to donate to their Orphaned Trigots Fund next time I’m there. It’s really tragic to see orphaned Trigots. I cry every time. They look so … forlorn.

I haven’t had any luck getting my insurance changed yet ... so I can find some new doctors. It seems all the carriers have adopted the same standard plan of coverage and so there’s not much point in changing. It’s all the same now. I may have to look out-system.

Oh, but I haven’t told you about the most important news I’ve ever had! I got an e-gram last week from the Regulatory Aide Guild out in the Lapourii Cluster. They’ve been searching for decades now to find the lost heiress to the throne of Brikduttt (out in the Lapourii Cluster.) You’ve heard the story, haven’t you? That’s where Emperor Rawdniff Greeee The Great was assassinated ... and his greatgranddaughter, Princess Annydella See, who was a child at the time (and the only heir to Rawdniff's throne,) was kidnapped. She's been missing since.

She’s the princess the entire universe has been looking for … the girl they say is the richest being in the universe plus all adjacent dimensions ... the girl everyone wants to be. A puppet government has been in place since Rawdniff was killed and the princess disappeared ... and that's who's been running things over there. They asked The Regulatory Aide Guild to help them find Princess Annydella See so she can be restored to the throne.

And that's who I got the e-gram from, The Regulatory Aide Guild. They want me to come give them a DNA sample.

* * *

August 1, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Realistic Viewpoint:

(based on actual events)

You should see my purple feathers. They're so pretty! They ripple and shine when I move, and I just love the color! And my skin color has returned to normal. It really compliments my new purple feathers!

The doctors don't like them, though. The feathers were just too much. They say they make me look to "alien." So, they've decided to put me back the way I was. Yes, they've been unsuccessful in stopping the progression of the virus … and yes, since they can't heal me, they want to rebuild me ... out of plastic and metal (ouch.)

Thank goodness they don't want to pluck me. (Have you seen some of the "tools" they use in surgery these days?)

I think it's time to change my insurance policy so I can check out of this place and check into the Greater Universal Scientific and Medical Research Foundation on Stratwinda, near the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. I hear they can treat you for just about anything.

* * *

July 27, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and Two Clean Socks:

(based on actual events)

Hey! My skin is changing to a purply kind of color. (I wonder if I will have scales, or feathers.)

* * *

July 27, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and the Prime Root of Evil:

(based on actual events)

Where was I? Oh, yeah ... bringing you up to date. (Hold on ... last bite of cucumber ... must have.)

Remember that thing growing out of my right hand? Well, I was right. It does make a useful walking cane. And it's still detachable! And no, it didn't keep on growing right through the floor. (Thank goodness. I would have been s-t-u-c-k.) Wish my left hand had one too. (Oh, well.)

And did I tell you about my stint in the environmental unit (also known as the torture chamber?)

Let me just say that it amazes me to no end what these doctors can think up. I firmly believe they are all descended from Ulperian Pain Givers. So ... while they had me locked up in the torture chamber, here's what they wanted to do. (Aghast!) They wanted to open up a major artery, in my leg (the crotch to be specific) ... and shove a bunch of wires with micro-miniature cameras on the end up into my artery. But that wasn't all. Then they wanted to keep on shoving those wires further and further into my artery until they followed it all the way up to my brain ... at which point they would inject a dye into my bloodstream, switch on the electrical current to those wires with cameras, and then sit back and watch the show.

They called it a test. Yeah. Right. Next time I'm going to tell them that if they want to run their test, then they can run it on themselves first.

* * *

June 27, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Hair’s-Breath More:

(based on actual events)

How could so much time have passed so quickly? (Must be those pain pills.)

Well, to bring you up to date, I still have some teeth left. The ones that decided to stay in my mouth simply changed. They're like canine incisors now. You know, meat ripping teeth. (Must be because of all those Lucky Charms I ate ... yum.) Of course, now that I have these great meat ripping teeth, you'd logically think I'd want only meat. Oh, contrare. The only thing I want now is ... cucumbers, peeled, and with Ranch dressing on top. (Yum.) Think I'll go get some right now!

* * *

May 6, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and Seven:

(based on actual events)

As we (you) humans all know, our bodies do change with age, sometimes in large ways, and sometimes in small ways. You know, like the blood vessels on the back of your hands get larger and more prominent. Mine used to spell the letter v (in lowercase) on my left hand and the letter x (also in lowercase) on my right (strangely enough.) I noticed this morning that this has changed. While my left hand still proudly displays the letter x, I can no longer distinguish a specific letter on my left hand. I wonder if it’s changing to a different letter. (And just what is the significance of these letters, anyway?)

* * *

May 5, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and Six:

(based on actual events)

It’s official now. The teeth are coming out. What kind of creature lives on all liquid diets, anyway? (spiders, gobrots, mosquitoes, ickerts, ???)

* * *

April 25, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Fraction:

(based on actual events)

For all that we tout the miracles of modern medicine; it all comes down to the simple fact that not much has changed after all. The learned doctors still use leeches to extract blood from sick people. Only now, they call them “syringes.”

I will give them credit, though. They have slowed (I think) the progress of the mutations (I think.) The virus is still very active in my left hip (ow) and knees, and has been for some time now, but it has finally stopped its jet-set partying from joint to joint within my body. (Thank goodness.) It did, however, take a spur-of-the-moment cruise up to my lower jaw a couple of months ago. Have you ever had your teeth decide to re-arrange themselves?

My dietary needs have changed too. I don’t eat like I used to, or when, or the same amount. I get these expressly urgent appetite pangs for anything citrus. Oh yeah, and Lucky Charms. Can’t eat enough Lucky Charms. Lucky Charms and orange juice, yum, yum, yum.

(Think I’ll have some now. Back in a minute!)

* * *

February 29, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Leap Year:

(based on actual events)

I’m so bored. I’m in so much pain, or simply unable to do things I used to do when I was still 100% human, and so, sadly, much of the time I can do no more than lie in bed and watch daytime TV. Ever been stuck with nothing but daytime TV to occupy your time with? The regular non-cable/satellite Broadcast daytime TV? There’s nothing but Judge Judy courtroom dramas, the same old soap operas, the same old three news items announced over and over and over on the news programs, and … OMG … Jerry Springer and the Jerry-Springer-Spin-Off-Shows. Oh yeah, and there’s Oprah.

I think I’m losing my mind. Or maybe, I’m not. Maybe I’m just starting to think like an alien. (OMG)

* * *

January 18, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and 7/12:

(based on actual events)

Sorry it’s been so long since my last communiqué. The doctors have been keeping me busy. They do love their tests.

True to their word, the doctors have not cured me. Nor have they repaired any of the mutation that has already occurred. And while they did say they could stop its progress, so far they haven’t.

It’s moving into my hip now, on my left side only (so far), right down there where the leg sockets in to the hip-bone. It makes me sort of limp every now and then, because I get really sudden and intense Charley-Horse pains there now. I get the pain, my leg gives out beneath me, I nearly fall, and it looks like I’m limping.

The appendage growing out of the fingertips of my right hand has grown all the way down to the floor. Thank The-Gods-That-Be (all of them) that it didn’t keep right on growing through the floor. I was worried I’d get stuck in one spot.

So, I now have three legs. Or to be more specific, I now have two legs and one arm/leg. Wait. That’s two bent legs, one inflexible leg (leg/arm), and one limp. Oh yeah, and I can’t stand up straight anymore either. So, that’s bent at the waist, with two bent legs, one inflexible leg/arm, and one limp. Walking has truly become a challenge.

I wonder how I’ll move about once the mutation is complete. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have the ability to throw sticky spider silk or roll up into a moving ball, or some such other trait. Hope I don’t wind up having to spit to propel myself about.

* * *

August 28, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2007 and 3/4:

(based on actual events)

It’s taken many long months now to find the medical help I need, and can afford. As I said in my last communiqué, the mutation has begun. My knees, both of them, will no longer bend or straighten but are instead locked in a semi-bent position, much like the leg of a Gisindian Thranwort. My ankles are stiff too. They no longer pivot, which makes it difficult to keep my balance when standing. And I seem to be growing an appendage out of the tips of the fingers of my right hand. It’s hard and woody. When it reaches the floor, I could maybe use it s a cane. (I just hope it doesn’t grow through the floor.)

The thought of getting some relief has almost more than I can bear. I’ve longed for it for so long, searched and searched for medical help, prayed for the pain to go away, made offerings and donations, helped with charitable clothes drives, helped Little Older Ladies cross the street, anything to win the favor of the Gods, all for the sake of getting rid of this unbearable pain.

Finally, the Gods may have taken notice. My new doctors seem to think they know what my malady is. (They’re still blaming it on the Rheumatoids.) The bad news is, they say it’s incurable and irreversible, so they can’t kill the virus and they can’t fix the mutating it’s already done. All they can do is prevent it from mutating me more.

I’ll never be the same old me again. Sigh.

They’ve got some wacky treatments in store for me, that’s for sure. One treatment stops production of DNA. One kills off my immune system. And they aren’t sure if either method will work. In fact, we won’t know for another three years yet.

And then there are the drugs they want me to take to make my heart beat at the normal human heart-rate speed, instead of the speed of light. They also gave me a water pill, to moderate my blood pressure. And I take one Aspirin a day now, to keep my blood thin like a human’s should be, and a fancy concoction to keep my thyroid in balance.

Best of all, I’ve got better pain pills now.

* * *

January 2, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2007 and ½:

(based on actual events)

I’ve contracted an alien virus. I’m certain of it. The doctors call it Rheumatoid Arthritis, but I know that’s just a fancy name for “unknown gene-mutating alien virus.” (No wonder it’s incurable.) And besides, I happen to know that the Rheumatoids of Planet Rheuma out in the Beta System (the only Rheumatoids I know) don’t get Arthritis. They can’t. They have no jointed appendages.

I don’t know how I got it. I haven’t been off-planet in ages. None of my friends have been off-planet either, nor has anyone from off-planet come on-planet. So I don’t think any of my friends gave it to me.

I can say for sure, though, that it came out of nowhere and hit me like a ton of bricks. Wham! One minute I was busy sewing up Elasto-Plunges to stock my Med Kit with, and the next thing I knew, my hand had swelled up like a Peruvian watermelon. Then it started to throb, keeping time with the strange pulsating glow emanating from it. My mind got all foggy and I couldn’t think, except to think about how strange and painful this was. I sat there, holding my hand up in the air, rocking back and forth, moaning. Somehow, it made it feel better.

Three days later, the swelling finally subsided. Another two days and I could almost use my hand again. Then my other hand swelled up, Peruvian watermelon scene all over again. I went to the doctor. He said he had no idea what was wrong and that I should go ask someone else.

A week later my knee swelled up. What’s that old Earth expression, “Oh, my God?” Yeah. In ten minutes flat it went from normal to surpassing Peruvian watermelon. It looked more like an Imbric Master Gourd, one of the big ones that weighs twenty pounds or more, one that are about to burst because it’s so swollen. Ouch.

So I hopped over to the Emergency Room on my good leg. They gave me many strange looks and one very effective pain shot, put a band-aid on my knee, and took me up to ICU, where I spent the next three days in sleepy bliss, thanks to follow-up shots of very effective Morphine. Another five days in a private room, bored to hopelessness, and they finally let me go. Good thing too. I was running out of pajamas.

My knee almost looked normal and if I was kind to it, it didn’t hurt too much. But it wasn’t the same knee. It was different, in ways I couldn’t then describe. The mutation has begun.

And there’s more. My heart rate and blood pressure had changed and my thyroid gland was pumping a strange blend of hormones into my body.

So, I was sent home with enough prescriptions to have cost any lottery winner all of his winnings, and an apology that the learned doctors there could not help me. I would have to go elsewhere to seek treatment.

Good thing they gave me a prescription for pain pills.

* * *