November 9, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Piece of Halloween Candy:

(based on actual events)

The Rheumatoids on Planet Rheuma sent me a care package. They’re always so nice. There’s a special comb for my feathers, bees wax to polish my third leg with, a file for my teeth, a fuzzy warm blanket, a bottle of cave water, and a big bag of chocolate chip cookies. I’ll have to remember to donate to their Orphaned Trigots Fund next time I’m there. It’s really tragic to see orphaned Trigots. I cry every time. They look so … forlorn.

I haven’t had any luck getting my insurance changed yet ... so I can find some new doctors. It seems all the carriers have adopted the same standard plan of coverage and so there’s not much point in changing. It’s all the same now. I may have to look out-system.

Oh, but I haven’t told you about the most important news I’ve ever had! I got an e-gram last week from the Regulatory Aide Guild out in the Lapourii Cluster. They’ve been searching for decades now to find the lost heiress to the throne of Brikduttt (out in the Lapourii Cluster.) You’ve heard the story, haven’t you? That’s where Emperor Rawdniff Greeee The Great was assassinated ... and his greatgranddaughter, Princess Annydella See, who was a child at the time (and the only heir to Rawdniff's throne,) was kidnapped. She's been missing since.

She’s the princess the entire universe has been looking for … the girl they say is the richest being in the universe plus all adjacent dimensions ... the girl everyone wants to be. A puppet government has been in place since Rawdniff was killed and the princess disappeared ... and that's who's been running things over there. They asked The Regulatory Aide Guild to help them find Princess Annydella See so she can be restored to the throne.

And that's who I got the e-gram from, The Regulatory Aide Guild. They want me to come give them a DNA sample.

* * *

August 1, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Realistic Viewpoint:

(based on actual events)

You should see my purple feathers. They're so pretty! They ripple and shine when I move, and I just love the color! And my skin color has returned to normal. It really compliments my new purple feathers!

The doctors don't like them, though. The feathers were just too much. They say they make me look to "alien." So, they've decided to put me back the way I was. Yes, they've been unsuccessful in stopping the progression of the virus … and yes, since they can't heal me, they want to rebuild me ... out of plastic and metal (ouch.)

Thank goodness they don't want to pluck me. (Have you seen some of the "tools" they use in surgery these days?)

I think it's time to change my insurance policy so I can check out of this place and check into the Greater Universal Scientific and Medical Research Foundation on Stratwinda, near the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. I hear they can treat you for just about anything.

* * *

July 27, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and Two Clean Socks:

(based on actual events)

Hey! My skin is changing to a purply kind of color. (I wonder if I will have scales, or feathers.)

* * *

July 27, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and the Prime Root of Evil:

(based on actual events)

Where was I? Oh, yeah ... bringing you up to date. (Hold on ... last bite of cucumber ... must have.)

Remember that thing growing out of my right hand? Well, I was right. It does make a useful walking cane. And it's still detachable! And no, it didn't keep on growing right through the floor. (Thank goodness. I would have been s-t-u-c-k.) Wish my left hand had one too. (Oh, well.)

And did I tell you about my stint in the environmental unit (also known as the torture chamber?)

Let me just say that it amazes me to no end what these doctors can think up. I firmly believe they are all descended from Ulperian Pain Givers. So ... while they had me locked up in the torture chamber, here's what they wanted to do. (Aghast!) They wanted to open up a major artery, in my leg (the crotch to be specific) ... and shove a bunch of wires with micro-miniature cameras on the end up into my artery. But that wasn't all. Then they wanted to keep on shoving those wires further and further into my artery until they followed it all the way up to my brain ... at which point they would inject a dye into my bloodstream, switch on the electrical current to those wires with cameras, and then sit back and watch the show.

They called it a test. Yeah. Right. Next time I'm going to tell them that if they want to run their test, then they can run it on themselves first.

* * *

June 27, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and a Hair’s-Breath More:

(based on actual events)

How could so much time have passed so quickly? (Must be those pain pills.)

Well, to bring you up to date, I still have some teeth left. The ones that decided to stay in my mouth simply changed. They're like canine incisors now. You know, meat ripping teeth. (Must be because of all those Lucky Charms I ate ... yum.) Of course, now that I have these great meat ripping teeth, you'd logically think I'd want only meat. Oh, contrare. The only thing I want now is ... cucumbers, peeled, and with Ranch dressing on top. (Yum.) Think I'll go get some right now!

* * *

May 6, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and Seven:

(based on actual events)

As we (you) humans all know, our bodies do change with age, sometimes in large ways, and sometimes in small ways. You know, like the blood vessels on the back of your hands get larger and more prominent. Mine used to spell the letter v (in lowercase) on my left hand and the letter x (also in lowercase) on my right (strangely enough.) I noticed this morning that this has changed. While my left hand still proudly displays the letter x, I can no longer distinguish a specific letter on my left hand. I wonder if it’s changing to a different letter. (And just what is the significance of these letters, anyway?)

* * *

May 5, Planet-Date: Two Million Point 2008 and Six:

(based on actual events)

It’s official now. The teeth are coming out. What kind of creature lives on all liquid diets, anyway? (spiders, gobrots, mosquitoes, ickerts, ???)

* * *